1. |
The Unsleepening
01:47
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2. |
Everybody Poops
03:02
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Everybody poops
Pangolins and pandas
The great primates they defecate
Much the way a man does
And wallabies and mice and moose, how cheerfully they drop the deuce
Sometimes the size of a grain of sand, sometimes as big as a backhoe scoop
Everybody poops.
This thing we call excretion, it’s all life’s experience
Down to the tiniest paramecium who trots off to find the gents’
And he hums a little tune, down there in his water drop
And I fancy he might even hear.. the teeniest little “plop”
Everybody poops
Goslings and gorillas
Sometimes it stinks like old dead things or it’s fragrant as vanilla
Is it waste? To bacteria it’s a sumptuous cafeteria
The soil to fertilize and thus supply the vegetal bounty at its root
Everybody poops
Every human poops
From the peasants to the President
Golden throne or muddy hole, each finds the act quite “pleasident”
And even the Pope himself, beneath a golden cross
Squats oer the marble throne and lets it rip just like a boss!
From Jesus down to Yeezus, and to God himself when it pleases
So that the holy pants don’t suffer an “oops”
You guessed it
Everybody poops!
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3. |
The Can'tpoopening
00:57
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4. |
Santa Can't
01:26
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Up on the rooftop, he can't plip plop
Santa Claus can't Number Two
Poor old Santa chugs Mylanta
What's the sad old man to do?
He's all bound up, backed up, wound up
Spends all day upon the throne
He's impacted, choked, contracted
We all hear his horrid groans
His yule log is stuck, there's no holiday cheer
His sack is all swollen up, a frown is in his beard
Run around, run around, see if something can be found
Help find a solution that can help old santa poo
Run around run around, look in trees and on the ground
Every elf endeavor to find out the thing to do
Run around, run around, see if something can be found
Santa's got a bolus that we have to help him blow
Run around, run around, sound the bells unleash the hounds
Every elf make effort to help poor old Santa go
Run around, run around, see if something can be found
All of us are frantic because Santa's got the grunts
Run around, run around, get our Kringle's pipe unbound
Maybe we can help the boss if only just this once
He don't work out, he don't hydrate
It's no wonder he's in pain
Gobbles cheese and carbohydrates
The polar express is stuck again
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5. |
The Doctorsearchering
02:14
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6. |
In Thru the Out Door
02:54
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Relax...
Lie back...
Put those boots up in the air
You may feel a 'ooooo'
When I put my hands in there...
All the pain, all the pressure
It'll soon be old news
For I am the Proctologist
And I love what I do...
It’s Christmastime, but I remain aware
That the world’s intestines are still in need of care
I will PROBE! PUSH! Till the patient shouts
And the thing that’s blocking up the exit must come out
The thing that’s blocking up the exit must come out
A strange thing to live for, to go in through the out door
Hear the snap of my glove, you may think it very odd
That the work that I love is in the place where you are clogged
I will PLUNGE! POKE! Ream you till you’re sore
And the sweet relief comes flowing out your door
The sweet relief comes flowing out your door
My vocation’s constipation, intestinal salvation
A peculiar occupation, to assist in defecation
A strange thing to live for, to go in through the out door
Some walk the beach or stroll through the pines
But my happy place is where the sun don’t never shine
I will PEER! DEEP! Up into the guts
And find that blockage buried deeper than King Tut
And find that blockage buried deeper than King Tut
A strange thing to live for…
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7. |
The Darkwebbering
02:09
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8. |
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Now the holiday's approaching
And you start to twitch and sweat
You've been slacking and slowcoaching
Haven't started shopping yet!
Think about your loving family
What they ever done for you?
Greedy brats and creepy uncles
Payback's long overdue
Do your shopping on the Dark Web
Where the trolls and the incels play
Where weapon merchants party
Where all your enemies will pay!
Think of darling little Timmy
Buy him a vial of disease
He'll find a festive bioweapon
Waiting underneath his tree
For your husband's nagging mother
Buy her a laptop, shiny red!
Load the hard drive up with kiddie porn
And a backdoor for the feds!
Oh come all ye troll farms
In Minsk and Macedonia
Christmas shopping on the Dark Web
Where neo-Nazis dance!
Where al-Qaeda bandits chitchat
Plans for bombing Spain and France!
Joy To The Web
Where proud boys roam
And the GRU convenes
Where pedophiles
Wear happy smiles
And no ISPs are seen
And no ISPs are seen
And no ISPs are ever seen
As your family starts to carol
Hear the sirens start to roar
Heat up some wassail for the SWAT team
As they batter down your door!
(Throw down your weapons
Then show us your hands)
Christmas shopping on the Dark Web
What a joyous way to go!
Tell your family to come and join you
For New Years at Guantanamo!
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9. |
The Foodweaponing
01:48
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10. |
Loose Lips
03:29
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My mind is all redacted
What I know is not what it seems
I need dual authentication
Just so I can dream
So don’t ask me no more questions
‘Cause you can’t handle my veracity
Besides if I told ya then I’d kill ya
Then where would you be?
Loose lips
You'd be dead
Loose lips
That's just how it is
Loose lips
The protocol is clear
State secrets I really shouldn't tell
After I kill ya then they’d send me straight to hell
And kill my family and erase my memory
From my fellow active members of the Rotary
So try though that you may, these lips won’t leak no dirt
Long’s these standard issue shoes are walkin' on the earth
I don’t have the balls, can’t upset the protocol
Loose lips
Psst-check your email
Loose lips
Spam folder if you please
Loose lips
Untranslate that message
Loose lips
That appears in Portuguese
Loose lips
But don’t say I didn’t warn you
Loose lips
Get your go bag, hit the trail
Loose lips
'Cause by the time you’ve read this
Loose lips
I’ll either be dead or locked in jail
This message will self destruct
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11. |
The Elffightening
01:55
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12. |
Elf Fight
05:13
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We're gonna have an elf fight
It's gonna go all night
Ya better bring your teensy knife
Gonna make your face look tight
Wipe the floor with your wee guts
From all the teeny tiny cuts
We're kicking itty bitty butts
Stompin' all your micro nuts
Shrimpy violence is such fun
Long as no one brings a gun
Punch you in your puny face
Hit me back with dinky mace
Attacking with no rationale
Lilliputian battle royale
Midnight sun and polar nights
Make us crazy mingy sprites
Elf Fight! Elf Fight! Elf Fight!
Elf Fight! Elf Fight! Elf Fight!
Angst and fear your way of life
Paranoias cause you strife
Dark web social media
Brain hacked mind will eat you up
I can't stand your elf rage culture
All that whining's ear drum torture
Righteous anger justify
On that hill is where you'll die
Hack and slash! Thrash and gash! Smash and bash!
Scratch and claw! Stab your balls! Kill 'em all!
Bite your leg! Poke your eye! Crush your toe!
Doom and gloom! Little bodies everywhere!
We're gonna have an elf fight
It's gonna start at midnight
Ya better bring your teensy knife
Gonna make your face look tight
There's gonna be an elf brawl
Lots and lots of fun for all
We're gonna make you wanna crawl
Gonna slam you in the wall
***Mosh section***
Hack and slash! Thrash and gash! Smash and bash!
Scratch and claw! Stab your balls! Kill 'em all!
Bite your leg! Poke your eye! Crush your toe!
Doom and gloom! Little bodies everywhere!
We're gonna have an elf fight
It's gonna go all night
Ya better bring your teensy knife
Gonna make your face look tight
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13. |
The Krampussing
01:45
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14. |
Twisted Kringle
03:32
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What is that smell? I cannot tell
Something is strange, Santa has changed
Black is his beard, tangled and weird
Huge ugly paws, not Santa Claus
We got a case of a twisted Kringle, mutant troll with flaming eyes
Clanking iron bells don't jingle, kiddies in for a grim surprise
What do you do with a Twisted Kringle? Lock the door and hide in fear
Hope you cemented up your chimney, now the drooling horror nears
Reindeer are dead, pulling his sled
Demons and ghouls slobber and drool
Christmas is done, evil has won
Torch every tree, burn every wreath
Knock at the door from a Twisted Kringle, grabs the kiddies one by one
See his swollen eyes a-twinkle, greedily he scarfs them down
What do you do with a Twisted Kringle? Krampus comes to eat your kin
With blood and gore the streets are sprinkled, joy to the world, he's come again
No stockings filled, he comes to kill
He's at your door. You are done for.
What do you do with a Twisted Kringle?
What do you do with a Twisted Kringle?
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15. |
The Assblastering
02:56
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16. |
Yes, Virginia
04:21
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Santa, I feel it’s not funny
That the grownups in charge of us all
Are dumb as lobotomized monkeys
And frankly, I’m somewhat appalled
There’s a kid in a cage down in Texas
There’s a drone flying over our heads
There’s an ailment that’s gross and infectious
There’s a President wishing us dead
There’s no god and no heaven no truths for a girl to believe
I’m only seven and feeling depressed and deceived….
Virginia I’m sorry to say it
Virginia, to ruin your day
There’s no way to delay it
That trouble that comes everyday
You’ve already guessed it’s a shitshow
You’re smart and your eyes are too keen
And you’ve come to me looking for answers
To the madness and folly you’ve seen
It’s mad and it’s cruel, and it’s managed by fools, yes, Virginia
We try to pretend it’s for justified ends, yes Virginia
There’s no hope I can give, in this world where we live, no, Virginia
No easy prescription, no nice soothing fiction, Virginia
Santa, I’m lately suspecting
That the road will be rocky and long
And the riddle bizarre and perplexing
And the right thing turn out to be wrong
You do what you can do, you fight your way through
This madness called Life, yes Virginia
There is love in low places, you can find kindly faces,
Be strong and tenacious, Virginia
There’s friends and there’s music, there’s laughter and wine
For sarcasm, mockery, plenty of time
At the end, go out laughing the day that you die
Tell ‘em a joke and then spit in their eye
You do what you can do, you fight your way through
This madness called Life, yes Virginia
It’s evil and holy and crowded and lonely
It’s weird and it’s lovely, Virginia
I can intuit that you’ll muddle through it
Be strong and tenacious, Virginia
Oh, and before we pause
There is no Santa Claus
But you already knew that Virginia
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17. |
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18. |
Santa Wears a Mask
03:05
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There's a plague goin round
But you won't die
When you see that sleigh up in the sky
Santa wears a mask, baby and so can you
If you don't wanna catch, catch that Blovid fle
Dont you cough and dont you sneeze
dont you dare to even wheeze
Take your funky ass inside
Christmas with you is suicide
Santa wears a mask, baby and so can you
So he don't give them crispy crabs 2 U
Santa keeps a mask strapped on real tight
Girls gonna get Santa's lovin tonite
Santa's gonna make them scream
With his big red candy lovin machine
Santa wears protection, baby and so can you
So he don't give his Crispi crabs 2 U
Stop actin like a whiny bitch
If you wanna scratch that yuletide itch
That's the way it's gotta be
Little angel if you wanna sit on santa's tree
Santa wears a mask, and so can you
Santa wears a mask, and so can you
Santa wears a mask, and so can you
Santa wears a mask, and so can you
Santa wears a mask, baby and so can you
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19. |
The Magicassholing
01:01
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BEEFUS Madison, Wisconsin
Called "Madison's rocking merry pranksters" by the Madison Isthmus, BEEFUS has been bringing their bizarro sounds and stage antics to stages in Madison, WI and the Midwest since 2007. BEEFUS are more anti-rock than rock, with smatterings of mutated jazz, peculiar percussion, and anthems to meat, body horror, and eldritch squid. ... more
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