Santa Can't

by BEEFUS

supported by
/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    Purchasable with gift card

      $10 USD  or more

     

1.
2.
Everybody poops Pangolins and pandas The great primates they defecate Much the way a man does And wallabies and mice and moose, how cheerfully they drop the deuce Sometimes the size of a grain of sand, sometimes as big as a backhoe scoop Everybody poops. This thing we call excretion, it’s all life’s experience Down to the tiniest paramecium who trots off to find the gents’ And he hums a little tune, down there in his water drop And I fancy he might even hear.. the teeniest little “plop” Everybody poops Goslings and gorillas Sometimes it stinks like old dead things or it’s fragrant as vanilla Is it waste? To bacteria it’s a sumptuous cafeteria The soil to fertilize and thus supply the vegetal bounty at its root Everybody poops Every human poops From the peasants to the President Golden throne or muddy hole, each finds the act quite “pleasident” And even the Pope himself, beneath a golden cross Squats oer the marble throne and lets it rip just like a boss! From Jesus down to Yeezus, and to God himself when it pleases So that the holy pants don’t suffer an “oops” You guessed it Everybody poops!
3.
4.
Santa Can't 01:26
Up on the rooftop, he can't plip plop Santa Claus can't Number Two Poor old Santa chugs Mylanta What's the sad old man to do? He's all bound up, backed up, wound up Spends all day upon the throne He's impacted, choked, contracted We all hear his horrid groans His yule log is stuck, there's no holiday cheer His sack is all swollen up, a frown is in his beard Run around, run around, see if something can be found Help find a solution that can help old santa poo Run around run around, look in trees and on the ground Every elf endeavor to find out the thing to do Run around, run around, see if something can be found Santa's got a bolus that we have to help him blow Run around, run around, sound the bells unleash the hounds Every elf make effort to help poor old Santa go Run around, run around, see if something can be found All of us are frantic because Santa's got the grunts Run around, run around, get our Kringle's pipe unbound Maybe we can help the boss if only just this once He don't work out, he don't hydrate It's no wonder he's in pain Gobbles cheese and carbohydrates The polar express is stuck again
5.
6.
Relax... Lie back... Put those boots up in the air You may feel a 'ooooo' When I put my hands in there... All the pain, all the pressure It'll soon be old news For I am the Proctologist And I love what I do... It’s Christmastime, but I remain aware That the world’s intestines are still in need of care I will PROBE! PUSH! Till the patient shouts And the thing that’s blocking up the exit must come out The thing that’s blocking up the exit must come out A strange thing to live for, to go in through the out door Hear the snap of my glove, you may think it very odd That the work that I love is in the place where you are clogged I will PLUNGE! POKE! Ream you till you’re sore And the sweet relief comes flowing out your door The sweet relief comes flowing out your door My vocation’s constipation, intestinal salvation A peculiar occupation, to assist in defecation A strange thing to live for, to go in through the out door Some walk the beach or stroll through the pines But my happy place is where the sun don’t never shine I will PEER! DEEP! Up into the guts And find that blockage buried deeper than King Tut And find that blockage buried deeper than King Tut A strange thing to live for…
7.
8.
Now the holiday's approaching And you start to twitch and sweat You've been slacking and slowcoaching Haven't started shopping yet! Think about your loving family What they ever done for you? Greedy brats and creepy uncles Payback's long overdue Do your shopping on the Dark Web Where the trolls and the incels play Where weapon merchants party Where all your enemies will pay! Think of darling little Timmy Buy him a vial of disease He'll find a festive bioweapon Waiting underneath his tree For your husband's nagging mother Buy her a laptop, shiny red! Load the hard drive up with kiddie porn And a backdoor for the feds! Oh come all ye troll farms In Minsk and Macedonia Christmas shopping on the Dark Web Where neo-Nazis dance! Where al-Qaeda bandits chitchat Plans for bombing Spain and France! Joy To The Web Where proud boys roam And the GRU convenes Where pedophiles Wear happy smiles And no ISPs are seen And no ISPs are seen And no ISPs are ever seen As your family starts to carol Hear the sirens start to roar Heat up some wassail for the SWAT team As they batter down your door! (Throw down your weapons Then show us your hands) Christmas shopping on the Dark Web What a joyous way to go! Tell your family to come and join you For New Years at Guantanamo!
9.
10.
Loose Lips 03:29
My mind is all redacted What I know is not what it seems I need dual authentication Just so I can dream So don’t ask me no more questions ‘Cause you can’t handle my veracity Besides if I told ya then I’d kill ya Then where would you be? Loose lips You'd be dead Loose lips That's just how it is Loose lips The protocol is clear State secrets I really shouldn't tell After I kill ya then they’d send me straight to hell And kill my family and erase my memory From my fellow active members of the Rotary So try though that you may, these lips won’t leak no dirt Long’s these standard issue shoes are walkin' on the earth I don’t have the balls, can’t upset the protocol Loose lips Psst-check your email Loose lips Spam folder if you please Loose lips Untranslate that message Loose lips That appears in Portuguese Loose lips But don’t say I didn’t warn you Loose lips Get your go bag, hit the trail Loose lips 'Cause by the time you’ve read this Loose lips I’ll either be dead or locked in jail This message will self destruct
11.
12.
Elf Fight 05:13
We're gonna have an elf fight It's gonna go all night Ya better bring your teensy knife Gonna make your face look tight Wipe the floor with your wee guts From all the teeny tiny cuts We're kicking itty bitty butts Stompin' all your micro nuts Shrimpy violence is such fun Long as no one brings a gun Punch you in your puny face Hit me back with dinky mace Attacking with no rationale Lilliputian battle royale Midnight sun and polar nights Make us crazy mingy sprites Elf Fight! Elf Fight! Elf Fight! Elf Fight! Elf Fight! Elf Fight! Angst and fear your way of life Paranoias cause you strife Dark web social media Brain hacked mind will eat you up I can't stand your elf rage culture All that whining's ear drum torture Righteous anger justify On that hill is where you'll die Hack and slash! Thrash and gash! Smash and bash! Scratch and claw! Stab your balls! Kill 'em all! Bite your leg! Poke your eye! Crush your toe! Doom and gloom! Little bodies everywhere! We're gonna have an elf fight It's gonna start at midnight Ya better bring your teensy knife Gonna make your face look tight There's gonna be an elf brawl Lots and lots of fun for all We're gonna make you wanna crawl Gonna slam you in the wall ***Mosh section*** Hack and slash! Thrash and gash! Smash and bash! Scratch and claw! Stab your balls! Kill 'em all! Bite your leg! Poke your eye! Crush your toe! Doom and gloom! Little bodies everywhere! We're gonna have an elf fight It's gonna go all night Ya better bring your teensy knife Gonna make your face look tight
13.
14.
What is that smell? I cannot tell Something is strange, Santa has changed Black is his beard, tangled and weird Huge ugly paws, not Santa Claus We got a case of a twisted Kringle, mutant troll with flaming eyes Clanking iron bells don't jingle, kiddies in for a grim surprise What do you do with a Twisted Kringle? Lock the door and hide in fear Hope you cemented up your chimney, now the drooling horror nears Reindeer are dead, pulling his sled Demons and ghouls slobber and drool Christmas is done, evil has won Torch every tree, burn every wreath Knock at the door from a Twisted Kringle, grabs the kiddies one by one See his swollen eyes a-twinkle, greedily he scarfs them down What do you do with a Twisted Kringle? Krampus comes to eat your kin With blood and gore the streets are sprinkled, joy to the world, he's come again No stockings filled, he comes to kill He's at your door. You are done for. What do you do with a Twisted Kringle? What do you do with a Twisted Kringle?
15.
16.
Santa, I feel it’s not funny That the grownups in charge of us all Are dumb as lobotomized monkeys And frankly, I’m somewhat appalled There’s a kid in a cage down in Texas There’s a drone flying over our heads There’s an ailment that’s gross and infectious There’s a President wishing us dead There’s no god and no heaven no truths for a girl to believe I’m only seven and feeling depressed and deceived…. Virginia I’m sorry to say it Virginia, to ruin your day There’s no way to delay it That trouble that comes everyday You’ve already guessed it’s a shitshow You’re smart and your eyes are too keen And you’ve come to me looking for answers To the madness and folly you’ve seen It’s mad and it’s cruel, and it’s managed by fools, yes, Virginia We try to pretend it’s for justified ends, yes Virginia There’s no hope I can give, in this world where we live, no, Virginia No easy prescription, no nice soothing fiction, Virginia Santa, I’m lately suspecting That the road will be rocky and long And the riddle bizarre and perplexing And the right thing turn out to be wrong You do what you can do, you fight your way through This madness called Life, yes Virginia There is love in low places, you can find kindly faces, Be strong and tenacious, Virginia There’s friends and there’s music, there’s laughter and wine For sarcasm, mockery, plenty of time At the end, go out laughing the day that you die Tell ‘em a joke and then spit in their eye You do what you can do, you fight your way through This madness called Life, yes Virginia It’s evil and holy and crowded and lonely It’s weird and it’s lovely, Virginia I can intuit that you’ll muddle through it Be strong and tenacious, Virginia Oh, and before we pause There is no Santa Claus But you already knew that Virginia
17.
18.
There's a plague goin round But you won't die When you see that sleigh up in the sky Santa wears a mask, baby and so can you If you don't wanna catch, catch that Blovid fle Dont you cough and dont you sneeze dont you dare to even wheeze Take your funky ass inside Christmas with you is suicide Santa wears a mask, baby and so can you So he don't give them crispy crabs 2 U Santa keeps a mask strapped on real tight Girls gonna get Santa's lovin tonite Santa's gonna make them scream With his big red candy lovin machine Santa wears protection, baby and so can you So he don't give his Crispi crabs 2 U Stop actin like a whiny bitch If you wanna scratch that yuletide itch That's the way it's gotta be Little angel if you wanna sit on santa's tree Santa wears a mask, and so can you Santa wears a mask, and so can you Santa wears a mask, and so can you Santa wears a mask, and so can you Santa wears a mask, baby and so can you
19.

about

The 8th Annual BEEFUS Holiday Radio Spectacular! This year, we present SANTA CAN'T, the suspenseful tale of Santa Claus and his Problematic Posterior! All-original songs and story. A full libretto is included with download.

credits

released December 18, 2020

Beefus- vocals, keys, sound f/x, written word, Uncle Irving
Meatslayer- vocals, bass, guitars, keys, drum wrangler, engineering, Dr. Bowliver Twist
Nathan B. Gosh- electric and acoustic mandolins, Sphinky the Elf
Tardmar- vocals, keys, mandolin, sound f/x, Krinkles the Elf
Lizardus- trombone, euphonium, slide guitar, vocals, Dr. Von Sauerkraut, Shart the Elf
Slick Meatwood- drums, Announcer
Smiley Virus- vocals, Virginia Tindermoof, Krapple the Elf
Brania- General Bocephus Lockjaw, Plop the Elf
Harrissimo- vocals, Santa Claus

Story and script by Beefus
Produced and arranged by Meatslayer and Beefus
Mastered by Meatslayer at Wavelength Productions in Madison, WI
Recorded at our home bases and Studio G

Made by Wavelength Productions, LLC
Released by YS Records

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

BEEFUS Madison, Wisconsin

BEEFUS are a self-contained, virulently toxic collective of experienced musicians that were fertilized and grown in a Global Research Corp. lab deep in Lake Mendota near Madison, WI. Led by mutant ape-man Beefus, they make trans-human chest rubbing noises they call music. ... more

contact / help

Contact BEEFUS

Streaming and
Download help

Shipping and returns

Report this album or account

If you like BEEFUS, you may also like: